Printing more pretend money the answer to everything

© Maria Toutoudaki, Getty Images

The European Central bank (ECB) announced today a "rescue plan" for its troubled economy, which will see the financial cartel printing an extra 1.1 trillion in imaginary money - called euros - in a bid to counteract previous over-printing and misappropriations of the same currency.

ECB president Mario Draghi said the decision to print more paper notes with pretend values on them will most definitely eradicate the previous Eurozone problem of too many notes with pretend values on them.

"If we print new notes, then there will be a lot more of them to go around," explained Mr. Draghi.

"I'm pretty sure that this time the money will be evenly distributed to everyone that needs it, and not be hoarded by those who make a living out off of hoarding money, like investment bankers and the like.

"No, sir. The world is a totally different place now altogether," he sincerely added.

Draghi cut short his address of the press as Angela Merkel, standing at the back of room, began waving her arms furiously before holding up a large placard which read 'Shut up you daft bastard, it's all electronic we're not actually printing it'.

Meanwhile, thousands of people across Europe celebrated the news, with some countries, even calling for a national day of celebration.

President of Lithuania Dalia Grybauskaite, whose country recently adopted the Euro at the start of this year, welcomed the move, stating: "This is great news for the 500 million people living in the Eurozone. That's like two thousand euros each! I would like to thank Mario Draghi and his amazing money printing machine. Vive l'Europe!"

Draghi pulled the trigger on the €60 billion-a-month bond buying program shortly after lunchtime today, but said the programme will not start till March, in order to give people enough time to decide what to spend all their new money on.

Chomsky: We Are All – Fill in the Blank.

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