The Power of Vulnerability

We live in a culture of scarcity. We are never good enough: never rich enough, never beautiful enough, never safe enough, never certain enough. The greater the uncertainty in the world, the less tolerance we have for vulnerability in our lives.

We associate vulnerability with emotions we want to avoid such as fear, shame, and uncertainty. Yet we too often lose sight of the fact that vulnerability is also the birthplace of joy, belonging, creativity, authenticity, and love. Vulnerability is, in truth, our most accurate measure of courage.

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Shame

Shame is the intensely painful feeling that we are unworthy of love and belonging. The most primitive human emotion we all feel and the one no one wants to talk about. Shame is believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of acceptance and belonging. It creates feelings of fear, blame and disconnection. It's the fear that something we've done or failed to do, an ideal that we've not lived up to, or a goal that we've not accomplished makes us unworthy of connection. I'm not worthy or good enough for love, belonging, or connection. I'm unlovable. The only people who don't experience shame lack the capacity for empathy and human connection. Here's your choice: Fess up to experiencing shame or admit that you're a sociopath.

Shame is such a powerful emotion that it can literally overcome us. We get hijacked by the Limbic system. Shame says "I am bad", with focus on self. Guilt, on the other hand, says "I did something bad", the focus is on behavior. Shame is highly correlated with addiction, depression, eating disorders, violence, bullying and aggression. Guilt is inversely correlated with those outcomes.

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People often want to believe that shame is reserved for people who have survived an unspeakable trauma, but this is not true. Shame is something we all experience. And while it feels as if shame hides in our darkest corners, it actually tends to lurk in all of the familiar places.

Shame Resilience

Shame resilience theory (SRT) came about in 2006. Forming mutually empathetic relationships that facilitate reaching out to others: When we reach out for support, we may receive empathy, which is incompatible with shame and judgment. We recognize that our most isolating experiences are also the most universal. We recognize that we are not defective or alone in our experiences.

Shame needs three things to grow exponentially: secrecy, silence, and judgment. Shame cannot survive being spoken. It cannot survive empathy. Empathy and shame are on opposite ends of a continuum. Shame results in fear, blame (of self or others), and disconnection. Empathy is cultivated by courage, compassion, and connection, and is the most powerful antidote to shame.

If you want to see a shame cyclone turn deadly, throw one of these at it: 'Oh, you poor thing.' Or the incredibly passive-aggressive, Southern version of sympathy: 'Bless your heart.'

Expressing empathy or being empathic is not easy. It requires us to be able to see the world as others see it, to be non-judgmental, to understand another person's feelings and to communicate your understanding of that person's feelings

It is so important that we find support systems, even one or two friends or family members with whom we can share our experiences and know that they will listen with empathy and understanding. Both reaching out for empathy and offering empathy are key to building shame resilience.

Empathy is not sympathy. Sympathy places another's problems at a distance from us, places us in a position of superiority, and drives separation. Empathy, on the other hand, requires that one internalize the feelings of another. That shared experience drives interpersonal connection.

Women often experience shame when they are entangled in a web of layered, conflicting and competing social-community expectations. The expectation of effortless perfection, do everything for everyone, perfectly, and never let them see you sweat.

If you think about issues like work and motherhood, labor and delivery options, breastfeeding, disciplining and sleep strategies, we often stay quiet when we disagree or have alternative ideas or opinions and/or we say what we think we are supposed to say in order to not jeopardize our connection with other mothers and/or sometimes, we use shame in response to our own threatened feelings. Building shame resilience is about reaching out to others and building connection. When we do this with people in our support systems, we often develop relationships that are built on a foundation of empathy.

Shame triggers include appearance and body image, motherhood/fatherhood, family, parenting, money and work, mental and physical health, addiction, sex, aging and religion.

Men's shame is not primarily inflicted by other men. Instead, it is the women in their lives who tend to be repelled when men show the chinks in their armor.

For men the biggest shame trigger is perception of weakness. Culturally we think vulnerability is weakness.

It is especially risky for men to practice vulnerability.

There are three main practices men, in particular, need to engage in. The first is asking for help. The second is

setting boundaries; for example, not taking on work or activities that you don't want to do. And the third is apologizing and "owning it" when you are wrong.

As mentioned above, men also need a support system, one or two friends or family members with whom they can share and know that they will be heard with empathy and understanding. And it's a two-way street where one also learns to listen with empathy and understanding.

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Chomsky: We Are All – Fill in the Blank.

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